Saturday, November 1, 2008


Having known Jane's ways and also knowing (the hurt we (mostly her brothers) inflicted on her when she was in her formative years) it is understandable how she had closed down emotionally to a significant degree. And from a psychological point of view she was depressive and combative while guarding herself first, others be damned. Given the difficulties of trying to live with someone such as Jane, you, John, managed more than tolerably well. When you yourself gave in to strategies in coping with her that were less constructive, I'd say that you were simply being human and doing what you felt you had to do in order to co-exist. There is that old action/reaction thing that often gets in the way in relationships. It's called complementary schismogenesis. But whatever it is called, it is not easy to overcome. It takes two, working together in an honest, concerted effort to transcend knee-jerk, button-pushing, communication pathology. Myself, I am convinced that you loved Jane. I am thankful for the fact that you found each other. Bad times are a dime a dozen, but just one good time is a priceless gift. And I know that you enjoyed some very tender and poetic moments together. These memories will remain and should be dwelt upon in quiet lonely hours when life seems impossible. I think when you remember those times, Jane's good spirit will embrace you and help to guide and comfort you.

The secret life between a man and woman is a mystery that belongs only to them. It is never for others to judge, but rather to support and nurture the kernel of love that exists within each of them - unconditionally. Despite all of the cold and distant behaviors that visited your marriage, it survived afterall, even if barely. Despite all of the negativity and problematic relationships, misunderstandings and upheavals, I think you essentially acted honorably, with insight and principle. Let no one say otherwise - even Jane was not quite right in her condemnations. In her battered and beat-up heart I think she loved you too. I think she tried, as only she was able, to given her analyses and opinions, skewed as they were by her own imperfections. Neither of you was right and neither of you was wrong. Both did your best, which is all that can be asked of anyone.

To you and Jane I say, "Be of good cheer and know that you will be missed. Go on to your next adventure in life, as we all should do, with the knowledge and understanding of what we gain through experience with life - doing our best while realizing that we can always do better, and trying ever harder to live up to our full human measure. Atonement for past misdeeds is made complete by acts of love that are informed and strengthened by lessons learned and life endured on this soul-making planet."

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